New Never News: #1 Source of F***ed Up Fairy Tale News Read online



  New Never News

  Your 1# Source for Celebrity Fairy Tale News

  J.A. Kazimer

  Published by Obscure Publishing

  Copyright 2015 J.A. Kazimer

  New Never News is a series of satirical news reports based off the award winning novels, CURSES! A F***ed Up Fairy Tale, Froggy Style & The Fairyland Murders by J.A. Kazimer.

  About the Author

  Excerpt of CURSES!

  Join J.A. Kazimer’s Readers’ Group and receive a free ebook

 

  Villainous Union Repeals Don't Ask, Please, Please, Please Don't Tell

  The Villainous Union has repealed the Don't Ask, Please, Please, Please Don't Tell policy that barred gay henchmen from serving in the union in a 7 - 3 vote. In protest of this bold action, heroes everywhere are vowing to stop wearing tights, and instead, will only wear skinny jeans. President Ogre refused to comment, other than to say, "Ask not what you can do for your country. Just do it."

  Old Women Arrested in Child Labor Sting. Shoe Confiscated.

  Hard times for all, but especially in the Kingdom of Tremaine, where the Old Woman Who Lives in a Shoe was recently arrested in a child labor sting. She is accused of using child labor to weave knock off handbags in her Shoe. Authorities quickly confiscated the Shoe, leaving the Old Woman and her brood of kids with one option, move into section swamp housing.

  When asked the woman responded, "I just don't know what to do!"

  Obituary for This Little Piggy

  A sad day for the Little Piggy Family as the eldest and biggest piggy succumbed to salmonella poisoning after eating some tainted roast beef. This Little Piggy was best known for his skill at marketing. He will be missed.

  In other news The Butcher has a sale on pork chops. Buy one and get a second one, half price. Supplies are limited.

  New Never City Bans Same-Silverware Marriage

  Dinnerware across the city is up in forks over the new ban on same-silverware marriage. No longer will the Dessert Fork and the Salad Fork enjoy the same protection under the law as the Dish and the Spoon. Proponents of the ban state: "At the Last Supper Jesus ate with a fork and a spoon. Not a spoon and a spoon. It's just not natural."

  Natural or not, the law will be challenged all the way to the 5th District Fairy Court. As opponents claim the law violates their Silverware Rights.

  Old MacDonald Arrested in Overnight Pot Bust

  Old MacDonald had a farm, EE-I-EE-I-O.

  And on that farm he had a seventy-five marijuana plants worth $150,000, EE-I-EE-I-O,

  With a bong here and a stoner there

  Here a DEA agent there a DEA agent, everywhere DEA agents

  Old MacDonald had a pot farm, EE-I-EE-I-O.

  Now he has a nice jail cell in the New Never City Detention & Dance Center.

  Agoraphobic Piggy Killed in Wolf Force Winds

  This little piggy who stayed home due to his agoraphobia was killed over the weekend in a freak wind storm that smelled faintly of pork chops. One witness, The Big Bad Wolf, declared, "Storm. What storm? I didn't see anything."

  The storm destroyed many of the straw housing units in the New Never Projects. This little piggy who stayed home will best be remembered for, staying home while his littler piggy brother ate roast beef.

  Funeral services will be held at Daddy Bruce's Crematory and BBQ.

  Mysterious Fire at the Villainous Union

  A freakish four-alarm fire broke out overnight at the headquarters of the Villain's union in Greenwitch Village. The fire burned the first two floors causing over twenty thousand dollars in damage. VP of Union Affairs, Miss Muffet stated, 'I just sat on my tuffet, eating my curds and whey, when along came a fire...'

  Not surprisingly, considering, the fire is under investigation.

  Tortoise Suspected of Doping

  Famed racer, Lance Tortoise is charged with using synthetic enhancers in the Tour de Tremaine, a six mile race around the Tremaine Palace. The forty year old Tortoise has won four Tours so far. The accusation of doping came from the Hare after the final leg of the race, in which, Tortoise surprised everyone by beating the favorite Hare by a paw.

  Tortoise had this to say, 'Doping? That's crazy. If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times, Slow and Steroids wins the race.' He added, 'Oh, Steroids aren't natural? Who knew?'

  Third Victim of Red-Hooded Serial Killer Found

  The third victim of the red-hooded serial murderer was found in a wooded lot behind a nursing home over the weekend. The body is believed to be that of a woodsmen reported missing a week ago. All the victims were found within one mile of the Little Red Senior Living Center. The police have no suspects in any of the crimes, but urge the public (especially those of the wolf race) to take extra precautions when wandering into the enchanted forest. A basket of goodies is being offered as a reward for any information leading to an arrest.

  Rapunzel Busted for Possession of Fairy Dust

  Famed bad girl, Rapunzel of the West Coast Rapunzels, was arrested last night on the Cin City strip for possession of a controlled substance when security personnel at the Hard Fairy Hotel discovered an ounce of white powder believed to be fairy dust in the socialite's purse.

  Rapunzel denied the purse was hers, saying, "I borrowed it from a friend." When pressed for that 'friend's' name, she added, "What friend? That's my purse. Hey, what are you doing with my purse! Police! Police! Some one's stealing my evening bag!"

  Dwarfs Arrested After Overnight Brawl

  After a violent brawl in Greenwitch Village overnight three dwarfs were arrested, while four others were hospitalized with minor injuries. Apparently the mini-ruckus started when Dopey declared "Hi Ho" to a passing woman. Her companion took offense to the remark, and the short battle soon ensued.

  Pig Out Deli Open for Business

  After the deaths of two brothers (Marketing Guru This Little Piggy and Agoraphobic This Little Piggy)in the last month, the middle This Little Piggy, who loves to eat roast beef, has opened his very own deli featuring none other than his secret family recipe for slow cooked roast pork.

  Sadly, the 'Pig Out Deli' was closed after only a few hours due to shoddy construction after it toppled during a freak wind storm. When reached for comment, This Little Piggy Who Ate Roast Beef, said, "When it comes to your dreams, if you let the Three Little Pigs build it, a wolf will huff and puff until the whole things blows down."

  Georgie Porgie Arrested for Sexual Assault

  Long time New Never City resident, Georgie Porgie was arrested last night for sexual assault after he kissed a girl, made her cry, and then pulled down his pants and ran away when a group of boys came out to play.

  Bail has been set at a puddin' and a pie.

  Mary, Mary, Quite Contrary Found Beaten to Death with a Garden Hoe

  Mary Mary, of the Cin City Quite Contrary family, was found beaten to death last night inside her family's compound just off the Fairy Strip. Some suggest her murder was a garden gnome mob hit, while others believe her contrary demeanor is responsible. Either way, we now all know now what makes her famous garden grow - Blood and Brain Matter.

  This Little Piggy On Hunger Strike

  Following in the beloved leader Gandhi's thin footsteps, the second youngest This Little Piggy, who is best known for his fight against pork chop abuse, declared a hunger strike effective immediately. He has had none of the roast beef his older brother recently 'purchased' from a man with a magic bag of beans. And will not eat, he states, "Until Tibet is freed from 'something'".

  An Apply a Day Responsible For Childhood Obe
sity?

  An apple a day keeps the doctor away.

  Bullshit!

  The New Never News has uncovered the truth behind the lies perpetuated by the Apple Growers of New Never City. An apple a day won't keep a doctor away. We tried it. And unlike poison gas, it does not keep anyone, let alone, medical professionals away.

  Blind Mice Charity a Scam

  Police arrested three kittens today in connection with a scheme to defraud New Never City residents out of their hard earned cheddar. The kittens asked residents to donate to The Blind Mice Foundation, claiming they were in fact, blind mice, when in truth, the kittens had only lost their mittens and feared their mother's reaction to the news. The Blind Mice Foundation raised nearly seven pounds of cheese before today's arrests. When asked for comment, one kitten declared, 'See, I told them we should run.'

  Tuffet Use on the Rise

  New Never Police are concerned with the recent rise in the abuse of tuffets by local teens. "Curds and whey was bad enough, and now this?" declared one parent of a teen hospitalized after a tuffet incident. "It's that damn Justin Bieber. Kids see him sitting on a tuffet and think it's the thing to do."

  Police are asking teens to stop licking random tuffets. "It just isn't worth it," Officer Muffet declared.

  Jack's Junk Is Out of The Trunk

  Jack B. Nimble. Jack B. Quick. One of these jackasses jumped over a flaming candlestick, suffering third degree burns on his genital. Witnesses said, "Poor Jack's crotch was engulfed in flames. What kind of moron jumps over a candlestick?"

  Sheep Busted in Counterfeiting Operation

  Baa Baa Black Sheep will spend eight years in the federal pen ordered Judge Mary following his conviction by a jury of Judge Mary's Little Lambs on three counts of counterfeiting after a sting recorded Baa Baa selling knock-off bags of wool.

  Baa Baa claimed the sting was entrapment. "I told the dude I didn't have any wool, but he insisted...."

  John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt Changes His Name

  John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt has officially changed his name after a lawsuit filed by John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt for copyright infringement. John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt's new name is Bob Smith. Which is oddly my name too, and whenever I go out, people tend to shout...Bob Smith, Where the hell is my money?!

  Law Forbids Screaming

  In a 3 to 7 vote New Never City Council Members passed a law banning the screaming for any and all frozen desserts. The mayor said, "I won't scream, and you better not scream for Ice Cream, or you'll find yourself in jail!"

  Hushing Little Baby Lands Mom in Jail

  A New Never City Mother finds herself in jail after hushing her baby in public. "We just don't do that sort of thing on the city streets," said one New Never City Official. "She was just standing there, her baby in her arms, hushing it for all the world to see."

  The mother's attorney had no comment. On the other hand the baby claimed he'd received no compensation for his hushing in any form, especially not the promised mockingbird or diamond ring.

  A hearing is set for this afternoon.

  Ugly Duckling Kills Two at Zoo

  Troubled duckling was arrested last night following the murder of two swans at the New Never City Zoo. When questioned, the duckling responded, "Who's ugly now, bitch?"

  Wicked Witch Dies after Fall of Housing Market

  In spite of all indicators the recession is not over. Just ask the Wicked Witch of the West, who was killed today when a house, recently foreclosed on by the mayor of munchkin, fell on top of her. The house was driven by an illegal immigrant from Kansas.

  The wicked witch's sister, Glenda the Good stated, "We knew it was coming, but it was still a shock. I mean, really, a house? What kind of person drops a house on someone?"

  The Wicked Witch's next of kin, The Wizard, was unavailable for comment.

  Singing Mermaid Washed Up

  A fisherman made a gruesome discovery this morning - the body of famed singer, The Little Mermaid, who apparently washed ashore following high tide. By the large gouge marks marring her throat, police suspect foul play. An autopsy scheduled for tomorrow will confirm. Her manager, Captain Hook, could not be reached for comment.

  This Little Piggy Arrested for Public Urination

  The youngest brother of the This Little Piggy family was arrested this afternoon after going wee-wee-wee all the way home. Police received numerous complaints from neighbors following the alleged peeing incident.

  Captain Smee of the New Never City PD stated, "When units arrived on scene, they noticed a thin trail of urine leading all the way to the Piggy house. Following the...um...lead, police arrested the youngest piggy."

  One neighbor angrily shouted, "What's this city coming to? Our brick road used to be white, but now look at it..."

  Mother Arrested For Child...Um...Abuse?

  A mother was arrested today after firefighters located her newborn baby in a tree top. The baby appeared unharmed, but firefighters were concerned over the possibility of the bough breaking, and the baby falling, and then down would come baby, landing on his squishy newborn head.

  Paw Found in Cheesy Doodles

  The New Never City Health Department closed down The Three Blind Mice Tavern after a customer complained about finding a tiny white paw in his cheesy doodle platter. When asked about the incident, the head chef, Lefty, said, "What do you expect? I'm blind, you dolt."

  The tavern is now under new management, but this reporter was unable to contact the chef at the newly renovated, Three Deaf Rats Tavern. The phone just rang and rang.

  Wicked Queen Promotes An Apple A Day Awareness

  An apple a day will keep the doctor away says the Wicked Queen. She further demonstrated the fact by offering local girl, Snow White, a bite of a red delicious handpicked by the queen's semi-faithful woodsmen.

  Snow White declared the apple, "Delicio...choke...cough...cough..." And fainted dead away with delight at her treat.

  Maiden Charged with Sexual Assault

  New Never City Police arrested a young lady yesterday after an incident at the New Never City Zoo. The charge? Unlawful Sexual Contact. Eyewitnesses claim the young maiden was seen kissing random wildlife. When approached by police she refused to drop her horny toady victim and was subsequently tased by officers. Other than a lipstick stain the toad appeared unharmed after the attack.

  Multiple Monkeys Hospitalized

  In a horrifying weekend mishap, five little monkeys jumping on a bed have been hospitalized after one by one they fell off and bumped their heads. Zookeepers at the New Never City Zoo were unavailable for comment as to how the actual accident occurred, but rumors of counting sheep involvement persist.

  Leading Cause of Death ~ Whistling

  According to the miners’ union, the leading cause of miner related death is whistling while you work. Most of the reported deaths occurred by 'accident' according to mining experts: Doc, Dopey, and Less Than Happy could not be reached for comment.

  Woman Expected to Arrive

 

  "Is that her?" they whisper in hushed voices. Excited fans from all over New Never City wait for a brief glimpse of six white horses that will tell them of the arrival of the woman from the other side of the mountain. Hundreds have come out to greet her.

  When she comes.

  Simple Simon Sought

  Local pieman told police he was accosted by New Never City resident, Simple Simon while attending the local fare. Police believe Simon is unarmed and not that dangerous. If you see Simon, make sure you sez, hi!

  Fundraiser for Sheep

  Little Bo Peep has organized a fundraiser for one of her sheep who's heroic battle with Alopecia resulted in a total loss of wool. Baa Baa is expected to recover with help from your donations of three bags full.

  Rolling Men Blamed for Dog Obesity

  Community leaders are up in arms over the growing trend of dog obesity in New Never City. The probl
em is so widespread that dog owners have had to spread wide their front doors in order to let their dogs outside. Officials blame the problem on this old man whose favor mode of transportation is rolling home. Once there, he gives all the neighborhood dogs a bone.

  Funeral for Old King Cole

  Old King Cole was a merry old soul. He was also pretty damn old, dying at the ripe old age of 245. He claimed he'd lasted so long due to three things ~ his pipe, his bowl, and rock-n-roll.

  He will be missed.

  His funeral will be held at The Tweedle Dum, Tweedle Dee Funeral Home just off Fairy-Second Street.

  Grimm's Highway Closed

  Grimm's Highway will be closed temporarily while road crews fix the London Street Bridge. New Never City Department of Transportation Manager, My Fair Lady, stated, "The bridge has been falling down for years. It's time we do something about it."